the heart behind a prayer
I have learned that prayer has the power to change lives, but the heart behind a prayer matters even more.
I prayed all growing up. It was modeled by so many people around me, and so it became a part of my life. I prayed for those who were sick, a math test I had the next day, or when I felt hurt by a friend. They were simple prayers lifted up by a child, and were lovingly heard and received by my Father. For many years, there was never anything urgent I needed to pray for. No massive requests or heartbreaking situations I was going through, and all of my prayers were answered the way I would have expected. It made prayer a very simple, fundamental, logical way to approach life.
But, that all changed.
In May of 2012 when our sweet grandpa, Fuzzy, was diagnosed with stage four esophageal cancer, it was the first big hit I had ever experienced. It was the first time I felt real fear about losing someone. As we learned more about the cancer and how much it had invaded his body, the reality set in of the fight that was about to go down, and the chance he had of winning.
I remember the night after I found out, I prayed for healing, but I also begged my Father to protect my faith through this. I knew that it was in moments like this, moments full of uncertainty, fear, and potential heartbreak that the devil was on the prowl and I was determined to not make any space for his lies to seep in. I had watched too many people lose their faith because of moments like this. I knew I couldn’t survive without my faith, so it was vital that it be the strongest it’s ever been.
For six months we all prayed and fought alongside him, but on October 25th, 2012 our sweet, strong, and loyal grandpa went to be with Jesus.
Initially, I felt relief. Relief that the fight was over and that he was free of pain. Then, I felt sadness as I realized the massive hole that was now left in our family. After that, it turned into frustration and anger at our Father for not healing him in the ways we had been praying for and suddenly Matthew 7:7 became a big lie to me.
“Ask and it will be given to you…”
For the first time ever, what I asked for was not given to me, and my heart was shattered. This book of truth wasn’t all truth…
And so I wrestled. I sought guidance from others, I prayed, I read up on it, but I could not figure out why my Father would tell me that whatever I asked for He would give me when the biggest prayer of my life was just ignored.
Eventually, I was sick of fighting it. I knew that my Father was good, and so I stuffed my feelings deep down. For many years after, when certain songs would come on the radio that reminded me of this, I would turn it off. When someone spoke on Matthew 7:7, I would ignore them. I decided that the Bible was mostly truth.
After Fuzzy died, I began to pray every morning that my family would be safe and healthy. And if I’m being completely honest, I had this deep-rooted fear that if I one day I didn’t pray this prayer, a family member was bound to get sick or get hurt. I felt such incredible pressure to keep everyone alive daily with this prayer.
Four years later I was in the middle of a podcast series on prayer and I was in the middle of training for a half marathon. It was five in the morning and as I was running and listening to this podcast, my Father tapped me on the shoulder and revealed something to me that changed everything.
He told me that when I prayed, it was out of fear and gaining a sense of control. That rather than putting the power of prayer in the hands of the One I prayed to, I was putting the power in my hands believing that my words were what really mattered. He assured me that it was His job to care for His children, not mine, and that rather than making prayer a burden in my life, He desired for it to be something that brought freedom.
As He reminded me of His power, His strength, His perfect will, and His insane love for His children, I realized how little credit I had been giving Him. Me, a simple child who knew so little, had been using prayer as a way to dictate to God the things I wanted, believing that was how it should work.
And in His most gracious loving way, He gently tapped me on the shoulder and revealed to me not only my inadequacy to do this, but also the lack of need to do this.
That His desire for His children is to be a refuge. A safe place. A place of freedom and peace.
That when we come to Him, it isn’t stemming out of fear and a need for control, but rather an intimate knowledge of who He is.
This truth that He is good. He knows all. He sees all. He has our best interests in mind. He adores us.
And in knowing this, all fear is gone because it is replaced with an unexplainable trust and faith in His plan.
In that moment, my Father was offering me a life of freedom. One where I can come to Him at all moments of the day, with anything, in any state, with any feeling, and pour out my heart to him in complete surrender knowing that He will take care of it all.
Rather than a prayer life dictated by fear, He was asking me to adopt a prayer life rooted in trust.
A prayer life where I surrendered it all to Him, and then waited expectantly for what He was going to do.
“In the morning, Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” Psalm 5:3
And now, that is what I do. At all moments of the day, with any worry, joy, or frustration I bring to Him, eager to see what He will do with it.
“Ask and it will be given to you…”
I see now where my misunderstanding was. It isn’t an “ask for whatever you want and what YOU believe is best” but rather “bring it all to Me, pray for My will, and trust that I will take care of it”.
I think of my students and the way they come to me. Whether they need their shoelace unknotted, they can’t figure out to spell a word, their water bottle spilled, someone said an unkind word to them, or they are being hurt at home…they come to me with no filter and no fear, trusting that I will take care of their problem because they know I love them.
Our Father is no different. He desires for us to come to Him, trusting in Him, resting in His love, and surrendering it all to Him eager for what He will do.
i will be imperfect
You can’t be everything and do everything.
So don’t even try.
From the outside, my life has always seemed perfect. I have always been the girl who did it all, and did it well.
I got good grades and now I have a great job. I’ve traveled to different parts of the world, I’m involved at my church, have a tendency to be a leader, and I know exactly what I want and what I need to get there.
I’ve been called perfect by many.
A compliment meant to flatter and encourage, but as I have gotten older it has begun to slowly and forcefully pull me down lower and lower until I have become stuck in the reality of trying to fulfill that compliment. That word. That stigma.
I have always wanted to do it all. I want to invest in every friendship and every relationship with all I’ve got. I want to do all things active on a daily basis. I want to lead small groups and lead worship. I want to spend time outdoors exploring. I want to travel and see the world. I want to volunteer my time to people and places that need it. I want to write. I want to read. I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want to do it all.
And so I do. I plan my schedule minute to minute and have decided that 5.5 hours of sleep is about all I can fit in my day. Because come on, I have things to do.
To anyone who knows my schedule, it seems impressive. Like I have endless energy and stamina. A vigor and a love for life. An inability to tone it down and take a break.
And all of this is true, but I have also come to realize that my love for life and taking opportunities has become suffocating in a way. Many days I feel like I barely have room to breathe.
And when life starts to become overwhelming, on those days where I am on the verge of a breakdown, that word “perfect” creeps up on me and tells me that I can do it all. I mean come on, I am Morgan Colander. I can handle anything.
And so I keep pushing. I shove down the emotions, the feelings of being overwhelmed, the fear of the unknown…and I keep going.
Until my Father decides it’s enough. I have stood on my pedestal long enough believing that I could be everything and do everything. And so He knocks me off.
He brings me to my breaking point, when I can no longer be strong on my own. When I can’t hold back the tears anymore. When the only thing I can do is fall on my knees and rest in His presence.
And always He whispers, “Be still.”
“For you, daughter, were not created to be perfect on your own. You were created to be perfect in my image. You were created to be weak, so I could be strong. You were created to fail, so I could succeed. You were created to fall, so I could raise you up. You were created to be my vessel. You were created to need me. You were created to rest in me.”
Day in and day out, I am unintentionally trying to fill this role of perfection that the world has put on me, and without knowing it, I am stripping myself from the sheer joy, peace, and stillness our Father created us to have as a part of our life.
Rather than recognizing how much I need Him in a moment of weakness, I am so apt to figure out what I need to do to make everything better. What I can do better to improve the situation. And once again, I begin loading myself up with projects, challenges, and tasks, when all my Father asks me to do is to be still.
He tells me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. That in my weakness He can perform His greatest miracles. That in my imperfection, His Kingdom is built.
My Father never told me I was perfect. Actually, He told me the opposite. He promised me I would mess up. I would fail. I would fall short. I would be put in moments of struggle and temptation. I would be human, and that He would be God.
The God who sent His Son to die for me, so my imperfection could be forgiven, redeemed, and covered in mercy.
So, if it’s a guarantee that I can’t be perfect, maybe it’s time I stop trying. After all, my Father tells me that it is not about seeking the approval of man, but rather living a life that honors Him. He tells me that in this world I will have trouble, but He has already overcome that trouble for me, I only need to rest in Him.
I am not perfect.
My life is not perfect.
I can’t be everything and do everything.
But that’s okay, because I don’t have to.
In those moments where I feel human weakness begin to creep in, feelings of being overwhelmed take over, and the need to just say no washes over me, I am going to stop fighting it. I am not strong enough on my own. I am not unbreakable. I can’t do it alone.
I will be imperfect, and proud of it, because in my imperfection, He shines. In my imperfection, He does His greatest work. In my imperfection, He wraps His arms around me and covers me in His unconditional boundless love.
And that, letting my Father do the heavy lifting He has already promised He will do for me, is far better than attempting to live up to a standard of perfection the world has put on me. Living life entranced in His peace is the best life to live.
I am not perfect; instead, I rest in my perfect Savior.
my child
Just stop. Stop right now and hear what I am trying to say to you.
It is of the utmost importance that you hear these things and understand the truth.
The truth of who you are and the truth of who I am.
Life is spinning faster and faster everyday. You aren’t sure if you can handle it. Your mind is constantly turning to worry, fear, and trepidation. You have filled your life with too much, and have lost sight of what matters most. You have lost your ability to slow down, quiet yourself, and hear My voice.
So stop. Take a breath. Close your eyes. And let these words wash over you. Let them drown out the voices of fear and worry. Let them cleanse you of the need to be perfect. Let them instill you with quiet confidence, joy, and peace. Let them be your anthem. The truth you live by.
You need to quit trying to speed things up or slow things down. You need to quit trying to predict what is going to happen.
You need to quit playing god.
I promise to always show you the next step. Not ten steps ahead, but one.
And your call is to faithfully follow that next step. To let Me be the leader, and you be the follower.
Simply rest in My presence and follow My footsteps.
Let Me be the One who provides and who plans, for I am the Author of your life and the Creator of the world. I know what is best.
For the story I have written for you is one of heartbreak and trials, but one that also is full of triumphs and joy. One that is perfectly written with you specifically in mind. I knew you even before you were in your mother’s womb, and My love for you cannot be contained.
Notice the picture that I paint for you everyday. The mountains that extend far beyond what you can see. The sky full of stars that creates a sense of wonder within you. The leaves on the trees. The shape of the clouds. The hue of the sky. Every detail I made with you in mind.
When you look at my creation, remember who I am. Remember how big I am and how mighty I am.
It is not on you to figure things out. It is not your job to fix things. It’s all on Me.
As a follower of Mine, you will experience trials and tribulations, but I will be with you. For My strength is made perfect in your weakness.
Quit trying to be what the world wants you to be, and instead be what they need you to be- a person who exemplifies Me and is filled with love and grace.
Quit trying to expect yourself to be perfect and meet the standards of this world. Be whom I have called you to be- a child of God. A disciple. Someone who spreads My love and furthers My kingdom. That is your purpose.
Remember that I call you Mine and I call you My child. In Me you find strength and in Me you find healing.
I am the One you can run to.
I am the One you find freedom in.
You are called to live a life of peace.
You are called to live a life of joy.
My spirit living within you offers that. It offers you a life of freedom. A life of carefree living with the sole purpose of loving Me and loving My people.
So let go of the rest of it.
You are holy.
You are dearly loved.
You are chosen.
I chose YOU. I adopted YOU into My family because I love YOU.
Let My reassurance of who I am and who you are be enough.
Simply let Me be the father and you be My child.
With all my love,
Your Father
stop and eat your muffin
We are creatures who find satisfaction in doing and seeing. We live in a culture where every waking hour is scheduled, and there is insane pressure to fill it with all things valuable.
And unfortunately, real rest isn’t valued or encouraged like it should be.
But here’s the deal: if we don’t ever just stop, then we will eventually burn out.
So here I was, insanely exhausted from the past week. I rushed out of work Friday to get home, finish packing, and then Mitchell and I headed off to Estes Park to camp for the weekend. We hit traffic getting up there, and didn’t end up setting up camp until nine at night. Because we were both exhausted, we set up camp as quickly as possible, got cozy in our sleeping bags, and tried to squeeze in as much sleep as we could before the alarm went off.
At 5:30 AM we busted our humps to get up, get ready, and head out to find the elk. For the next three hours we hiked and marveled at the elk.
Both with grumbling tummies we climbed into the car and decided we just couldn’t wait any longer to eat something. So, we pulled over on the side of the road, set up our camping chairs facing an incredible view, pulled out our yogurt and muffins, and savored every bite.
Best decision ever.
Here we were, in the middle of a free day at Rocky Mountain National Park, while endless cars zoomed past us, elk were rutting, there were mountains to climb, and things to do, and we decided to just stop in the middle of it all to breathe and eat our muffins.
And while I was sitting in my camping chair, blueberry muffin in hand, gazing upon the glorious Rockies, it hit me.
Sometimes in life you just have to stop and eat your muffin.
Not while driving, not during a meeting, not while standing in the elevator. But truly stop everything to sit and eat.
I am insanely guilty of filling my every moment. I just want to experience so much of life, that I overplan. Even though many of the things I am doing are things I love, it still isn’t rest.
Our Father designed us to stop and rest. Genesis 2:2-3 tells us this.
“By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.”
Our Father found rest so vitally important, that he modeled for us what it looked like.
He designed His children to stop and breathe for a moment.
Our Father did not design us to go go go. He does not put the pressure on us that we can’t ever slow down or stop. We do. We have begun to convince ourselves that those who rest are weak. That those who rest lack the stamina and willpower to keep going. That those who rest are just lazy.
But, I would never deem our Father lazy, and He rested.
It is in those moments of rest we slow down enough to hear His voice, listen to our breath, or simply reflect on the joys of life.
I’m not trying to tell you that you need to find massive chunks of time continually to just completely stop everything, but rather find those little moments you can give up and intentionally carve rest into your days.
Maybe for a busy mama, instead of cooking dinner one night, they pick up pizza for their family and just enjoy each other’s company. Maybe someone could let their to-do list wait at work, and instead have a real lunch break with no work involved. Maybe for that busy college student, it means not attending that other event so they can spend a night watching their favorite show. Maybe it means leaving the dishes in the sink after dinner and enjoying an evening walk.
Whatever it may be, we were all designed with the need to stop and breathe and refocus and refuel.
And we can’t feel guilty about doing it.
We will be worth nothing if we don’t. We will be worth nothing to our family, our friends, or our coworkers if we slowly let all of our vigor for life drain out of us by never taking that moment to eat our muffin.
Most importantly, we won’t be able to be the servant and disciple our Father calls us to be if we don’t allow ourselves the moment of refreshment and renewal that is needed to go love His people and seek Him.
Value yourself enough to say no to whatever needs to be done. It can wait. You deserve a moment or two to breathe and relish in the simple things of life. You will be a better person for it.
What is your purpose?
This is one of the most sought after questions in the world. Humans run to this question as though the answer to it will give them life and solve many of their problems. They believe that once they find their purpose, they will find joy.
From early on, we ask children what they want to be when they grow up. Then, at eighteen we force them into feeling as though they have to choose their life path. After that, when they graduate and step into a career, they convince themselves that this is it. This is how they must spend the rest of their lives.
They feel pressure. They feel fear. They feel panic. And then they feel stuck.
We wonder what we were created to do? What is the legacy we will leave? How will people remember us? What is our purpose?
There are people who spend their whole life searching for the answer to this question. Switching careers time and time again. Seeking out money believing it will take care of all. Clinging to the dream of moving up the ladder and being at the top. Desiring to be recognized for their hard work and accomplishments. Finding satisfaction in their paycheck and title.
It is human nature. We sinfully desire to be recognized and have whatever we want. We believe this is our purpose and it will bring us joy.
But our Father leads us in a very different direction, and leaves the guesswork out of it. He tells us exactly what we are to do and gives us a very clear purpose.
“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20
There you go. We are to be kingdom builders. Plain and simple.
As followers of Jesus, we are gifted with the opportunity and privilege of helping Him build His kingdom. He does not need our help, but instead, He wants it. He desires to partner with us in His work.
Therefore, our purpose is clear. We are to make disciples. We are to go out, be love, share the good news, live as we are called to live, and draw others to the conclusion that Jesus is their Savior and that our Father desires to be a part of their life.
Here’s the beautiful part about it- we all get to do it in different ways. Each through our own gifts, talents, and passions we were created with.
Daily, I have to remind myself of my ultimate purpose. To build His kingdom. So often, I allow lies to enter my mind and take over. Lies that it is my job to “fix” all of the kids that come into my room. Lies that tell me I am not doing enough, and will truly never be enough for what these kids need and deserve. Lies that tell me my purpose is to be sure they are on grade level, do their homework, and behave.
The other day though, I was reminded of my real purpose.
I have a boy in my class who battles many obstacles on a daily basis. Emotionally, mentally, physically…there is a lot going on, a lot to keep up with, and a lot to improve. But let me tell you, he has a heart of gold. I have never met a child who is so loving and has such a tender spirit. Day after day, he makes my world brighter and causes me to stop and smile when I need it most.
We as teachers had to pick one student from our class who we felt best demonstrated compassion, and they were to be recognized in a school assembly. It was an obvious choice for me.
It was a surprise, and I wasn’t quite sure how he would respond. I wasn’t sure if he would understand it, if he would want to go up front to receive his award, or if he would try and become invisible as to not be noticed. Really, I wasn’t expecting much of a reaction.
But I was so wrong.
When his name was called, without hesitation he jumped off the ground, shot his fist in the air, and yelled a very loud and enthusiastic “Yes!”
He RAN full force up to the front, and with overflowing joy, he began to dance in front of the whole school. Not for attention, but truly out of sheer happiness.
He got his award and stood up front with the biggest grin on his face.
Of course, I was struggling as I tried to hold back the sobs that wanted to escape.
There was a lot of clapping and cheering to follow, and the whole time, he glistened.
When they were dismissed to go sit back down, he ran straight into my lap, wrapped his arms around me, and said, “I won! I won!”
After explaining to him why I chose him, he gently leaned into me and sweetly thanked me.
And then it hit me. This was my purpose.
Not getting them to their reading level. Not teaching them to add and subtract. Not teaching them to remember their homework. But rather encouraging them in their kindness and loving spirit, and essentially making them feel loved and noticed.
As the tears pooled, I sat there and thought, “This is what it is all about.”
Moments like this where a person feels cherished. Where they feel noticed. Where they feel our Father’s warm embrace. They might not recognize it, but they feel it.
Maybe it’s making a patient feel heard when they come in feeling sick. Maybe it’s snuggling up with your kiddo in bed and reading a book with them. Maybe it’s helping someone with their finances and giving them the assurance they are not alone. Maybe it’s sharing a smile with someone on the elevator to make them feel noticed.
Whatever it may be, the purpose is the same for us all, but the means to get there is different. We must embrace the season of life we are in and the people that surround us. It requires us to take a step back and evaluate what our true intentions are. What is our end goal? What is it that we need to accomplish? Better yet, who is it that we need to reach?
How can we be kingdom builders?
If you want to feel alive, this is your answer. Doing the work of our Father is the most life giving task there is. Loving His people and fighting for His glory is the most honorable and humbling thing you can do. Simply do your best to make people fall in love with Jesus and join us in the race we are all running.
That is where your true purpose lies. That is what you were created to do. That is what we were all created to do. To join our Father in His mission to build His kingdom by turning His children into warriors for Him.